Can you believe it’s been almost 10 years since the iPad was released (January 27^th, 2010 to be exact), Lebron made his ‘decision’, and Lakers won the championship (eat it Celtic fans!)? Crazy how time flies right…? Well now that that’s out of the way, I’ve been meaning to post the last few months but never got the chance to sit down and write. This post has been a work in progress since the beginning of the month because I wanted to include everything that’s happened throughout the year.

2019 was quite the year for me both personally and professionally. Returning to school to complete prerequisite courses for nursing school was my main focus along with working on my mental health. After some reflection, 3 main themes summed up my year that I’d like to share.

Acceptance & Letting Go

Working through some internal struggles for the first 6-7 months of the year helped me realize that resisting where you are in life only makes things worse. If you’ve ever heard the saying ‘the more you resist, the more it persists,’ you’ll know what I mean. It’s taken a lot of time and work to accept things in my life as they are and not how I’d hoped, expected, or planned them to be. I recently opened myself up to dating again and met a pretty amazing girl that I really liked and enjoyed spending time with. I thought she could be my Dear No One, but unfortunately, things didn’t work out. It was really hard for me to accept and let go of the ‘what could have been’ because I thought we were compatible and complemented each other really well. It’s been a work in progress, like most things in life, and I’m learning that the more I try to think of the ‘what ifs’ the harder it’s going to be to move on. I’m practicing acceptance and letting go of what happened to help me become a better person, knowing that it will lead me to someone and somewhere better. I know she’s out there wondering the same thing I am so I just need to keep my eyes and heart open to meeting her when the time is right. This quote from Yung Pueblo said it best, “Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, it just means we stop carrying the energy of the past into the present.”

Family/Friends

Without the love and support from my family and friends this year, I don’t know where I would be today. I learned to reach out when something doesn’t feel right and to let those closest to me know how much they mean to me. I learned to accept that certain people in my life aren’t going to change as much as I hope and wish they would. Toxic people are going to come and go in your life and I’m learning to live with them without letting it affect my life too much. Accepting them as who they are while trying to love them has been a struggle that I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. On a lighter note, I was able to make new friends through school that I now consider family (shout out to you Frederick, my latest email subscriber).

Self-Love

We all go through rough periods in our lives, it’s part of the human experience. To start the year, I was working through a lot of self-esteem, self-love, self-worth issues where I didn’t feel like I was worthy. I think most of us struggle with this to a certain degree but in my case, I would say my self-love was in the 20%-30% range. To me, self-love and self-esteem is the foundation of who we are. To give you a visual, I felt like only a small portion of my self-love wall was up. With a partial wall, negative thoughts and feelings like comparing myself to others, worrying about what others thought of me, and not feeling I deserved to be happy became all-encompassing. Little things would get to me as my wall was not strong or high enough to hold back a lot of the day to day stressors.

With a lot of work through therapy, reconnecting with friends, meditation, journaling, and reading I’ve been able to build up my wall to 80%-90% to close out the year. My goal is to stay in this range because I feel that if I get to 100%, I’ll stop trying, become complacent, or possibly start taking things for granted. Living in this range allows me to stay positive and optimistic while also being realistic to the realities of life (stress, mistakes, disappointment, etc.). I now have the knowledge, experience, and tools to build my wall back up should it get knocked down again, which it will. I wouldn’t trade my hard, dark days this year for anything because it taught me so much about myself and how strong I am for overcoming it all.

Last but not least, here are my awards of the year, just like I did two years ago for my 2017 wrap up.

Song of the year – Although this song was released back in 2015, Jess Glynne’s “Don’t be so hard on yourself” spoke to me during an especially self-critical period this year. Shout out to you Jess Glynne, your voice and message is a gift sent down from heaven. Here’s a short snippet of the lyrics that spoke to me… (Gosh, I love this song so much!)

I came here with a broken heart that no one else could see
I drew a smile on my face to paper over me
The wounds heal and tears dry and cracks they don’t show
So don’t be so hard on yourself, no

Don’t be so hard on yourself, no
Learn to forgive, learn to let go
Everyone trips, everyone falls

Won’t let my heart, my heart turn into stone

So don’t be so hard on yourself, no

Memory of the year: This was a tough one but the memory that stuck out for me this year happened in my summer school Physiology class. With a paper due towards the end of the term worth 100 points, I made sure to put enough time and effort into it. Not only did I end up getting a 100/100 on the paper, but the professor also announced to the class that if they wanted to see what he was looking for, they should reference my paper. Part of me was a little embarrassed since he called it out in front of the class but the other half was proud that my hard work paid off in the end. This showed that I’m on the right track and that I can do anything I put my mind to. Here’s a pic of my accomplishment.

App of the year: For the sake of not choosing the same app as two years ago (Calm), Spotify gets the nod this year. Music played a big part in my life this year as it helped me through some of my darkest days and gave me hope that everything was going to be alright. Oh yeah, and of course the new album from Taylor Swift came out, can’t forget that. I can’t wait for your concert to open up the new SoFi stadium in Inglewood in July Taylor, let the countdown begin.

If you made it this far, thank you! Writing these past few months has been really therapeutic for me giving me the outlet I needed to just let things out and just be human. My hope is that we continue to be open, honest, and vulnerable with each other as we’re all trying to figure out this crazy thing called life. The goal is to post 2x a month in 2020, so if you don’t see a post from me every few weeks, please let me know. A lot of my posts come from topics that are discussed on my Calm meditation app or things that I’m struggling with or working on. Topic or idea suggestions are always welcome, don’t be a stranger. Have a wonderful new year and I wish you all the best! ❤

QOTP: “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” –Winston Churchill